On Thanksgiving, I watched Live Free or Die Hard. I never had any intentions to ever watch that movie, but my cosmetologist sister not only likes and highly recommends it but actually owns it. The fact that this particular sister of mine owned this movie was so intriguing to me that I was filled with an overwhelming desire to watch it--I mean, I usually disapprove of this sister's movie selections on the basis that they are too laden with estrogen, and here she owns this movie that I figured would emit enough testosterone to knock Hossein Reza Zadeh for a loop. This state of affairs still bamboozles me and sets my poor brain to digging for a fancypants vocabulary word strong enough to convey my utter shock--juxtaposition, idiosyncrasy, dichotomy--really, without you knowing my sister, there is no satisfactory term.
Anyway, I was pretty disappointed. I'm still completely thunderstruck that my sister likes this movie enough to own it because it really is just another over-the-top action flick. I mean, it had its moments, and I rather enjoyed it at times, but I don't see how it really stands out much.
Maybe my ignorance is to blame for my lack of wowification, though. Yasee, to my knowledge, most of the things that happened in that movie were simply impossible. But that may just be because of a lack of knowledge. For example, I bet most people like me who were somehow convinced to watch this movie were turned off by the crazy Russians jumping from wall to wall in the alley way and by the especially crazy Russian who did all kinds of impossible things before McClain kicked him into the spinning paddlewheel of death. But as it turns out, while these sorts of things are impossible for most people, Russians and Latvians and maybe the whole Slavic world have a genetic immunity to gravity. It sounds ridiculous, I know! You don't have to tell me it sound ridiculous; I know myself that, above and beyond sounding ridiculous, it is, in fact, completely ridiculous. Unfortunately, unlike many ridiculous claims, this one just happens to be true. Don't believe me? Well you explain this YouTube video then!
Crazy Slavic ninjas? Why can't I evade gravity like that?
Anyway, the disturbing fact of the matter is that, if Slavic ninjas are real (and who can deny video proof?), then perhaps much of the movie is much more plausible than we sheltered middle-class Americans dare suppose.
Overall, though, I (being a sheltered middle-class American) still consider Live Free or Die Hard a run-of-the-mill, over-the-top action flick. If you're into that sort of thing--well, if you're really into that sort of thing, I imagine you've already seen it, and I fully support you in your decision, since we can hardly expect anything better from people of your literary caste--but if you aren't into action flicks--well, good for you; just don't PO any Slavs.
26 November 2007
24 November 2007
20 November 2007
Post 45
"If my mind could gain a firm footing I would not make essays. I would make decisions. But it is always in apprenticeship and on trial." --Montaigne
16 November 2007
Post 44
Life is a funny thing, but it's also very, very beautiful, and, really, I'm just happy to be alive right now. In fact, I don't think I've ever been so happy to be alive as I am today. I suppose I could try to explain my joy, but it really is a long and complicated story--more complicated than long--and I'm not convinced I could tell it very clearly without the proper visual aids, so I shan't go into any great detail; suffice it to say that I had a near-death experience on my way to a dear friend's wedding, and now I can't stop loving life and all it entails.
14 November 2007
Post 43
Eureka!
I've figured out a few simple changes we could implement to make English grammar so much easier! Really, I can't make myself believe that no one has thought of this before; it's so obvious!
Step One: invent some new punctuation marks. A lot of the trouble we have with punctuation is a direct result of overworked punctuation marks; the more jobs we require a punctuation mark to accomplish, the more confusion we have regarding that punctuation mark. This is why so many Americans are terrified of commas. Think of it: if we added a few punctuation marks, we could greatly reduce confusion.
But here's the really good news: we don't have to invent more than one or two marks; mostly, we just need a better division of labor. For example, check out this sentence:
That's my favorite example of common comma confusion; because commas are used both to separate clauses and to divide between items in a list, we can't be sure whether Sally is my sister or accompanying me and my sister. In this example, the answer to our confusion is not in inventing new punctuation but rather in using an underused bit of punctuation (parentheses):
There. Confusion all gone!
Many common comma conundrums can be eliminated if you understand other punctuation marks. I had no idea what a semicolon was for until about six months ago when that was explained to me in an English class; now I use them all the time. No one who understands semicolons will ever make a comma splice, it just isn't something we do (teehee!).
I do propose we employ a couple of new punctuation marks, though. Like, let's make a new punctuation mark to show possession so the apostrophe can be used solely for contractions. We do that, we can say bye-bye to the its/it's quandary. Of course, easier still would be to totally eliminate the contraction "it's" in favor of "'tis." If we did that, then "it's" could be possessive and we would eliminate the only exception to the rule.
One thing apostrophes should not be required to do (the previous sentence just reminded me) is mark quoted quotations:
I've figured out a few simple changes we could implement to make English grammar so much easier! Really, I can't make myself believe that no one has thought of this before; it's so obvious!
Step One: invent some new punctuation marks. A lot of the trouble we have with punctuation is a direct result of overworked punctuation marks; the more jobs we require a punctuation mark to accomplish, the more confusion we have regarding that punctuation mark. This is why so many Americans are terrified of commas. Think of it: if we added a few punctuation marks, we could greatly reduce confusion.
But here's the really good news: we don't have to invent more than one or two marks; mostly, we just need a better division of labor. For example, check out this sentence:
My sister, Sally, and I went to the store.
That's my favorite example of common comma confusion; because commas are used both to separate clauses and to divide between items in a list, we can't be sure whether Sally is my sister or accompanying me and my sister. In this example, the answer to our confusion is not in inventing new punctuation but rather in using an underused bit of punctuation (parentheses):
My sister (Sally) and I went to the store.
There. Confusion all gone!
Many common comma conundrums can be eliminated if you understand other punctuation marks. I had no idea what a semicolon was for until about six months ago when that was explained to me in an English class; now I use them all the time. No one who understands semicolons will ever make a comma splice, it just isn't something we do (teehee!).
I do propose we employ a couple of new punctuation marks, though. Like, let's make a new punctuation mark to show possession so the apostrophe can be used solely for contractions. We do that, we can say bye-bye to the its/it's quandary. Of course, easier still would be to totally eliminate the contraction "it's" in favor of "'tis." If we did that, then "it's" could be possessive and we would eliminate the only exception to the rule.
One thing apostrophes should not be required to do (the previous sentence just reminded me) is mark quoted quotations:
Nephi said, "Behold, Isaiah said, 'Thus said the LORD to me: "Isaiah, say unto this people, 'Thus said the LORD: "If you don't repent...."'"'"
See, at the end there, you get lost in the mix. Why don't we do like some places and forget our standard quotation mark (which is really no more than a double apostrophe) and use those curvy bracket things?
[NOTE: my original idea was to use carrots instead of curvy brackets. Some languages do that already, and carrots would be a lot simpler than curvy brackets when it came down to writing by hand, but carrots are used in html, so blogger gets all confused when I use that many of them in close proximity like that. Sorry.]
See? Because they are so directional, no confusion is possible. The reason we have felt obligated to have two different kinds of quotation marks (the double and single apostrophe) is that we know that, if we only had one, no one would be able to determine in a glance whether a quotation was ending or beginning to quote something else:
I mean, contextually that makes sense, I suppose, but carrots are easier to track.
So, yeah. There you go. Other than to say that I am, as ever, in favor of the interrobang, I think that pretty well covers my thoughts on punctuation reform.
Step Two: eliminate letter cases. Really, why do we need upper and lower case letters? Is not an a as good as an A? And a t as good as a T? I really see no reason to have two cases. it would be a lot simpler to go e e cummings style and leave everything in the lowercase, methinks. I've always thought it was odd that we have two distinct alphabets without having one do anything that the other can't, but the more I think about our rules regarding capitalization, the fewer reasons I can think of to support it. For example, why do we capitalize I but not me? Or other subject pronouns like he and she? Capitalization in titles makes even less sense. Newspapers generally capitalize only the first letter in a headline, but everyone else is expected to capitalize all nouns and verbs. This creates a real problem because many simpletons (meaning most English speaking Americans) understand the rule to be "Capitalize the 'big' words," so they capitalize Because but not is. Let's just save ourselves some pain and wipe out all capital letters. THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE! (I could have, for example, simply italicized that declaration).
Step Three: eliminate gender-specific pronouns. Seriously, nothing else in our language is gender specific, why do we need he/she and him/her and his/her (and why is "her" double worked?). Let's just make everything "it." Now, I'm sure some people would be seriously offended to be referred to that way, but I doubt any of those people are hoping for gender specific "you"s and "I"s. It will suffice. This will greatly reduce pronoun disagreement; because no one likes saying or writing awkward things like, "Each speaker at the convention was in the top of his or her field," many people revert to using plural pronouns when single pronouns are required ("Each speaker at the convention was in the top of their field").
i think i've covered it. some of you may be thinking,{just three steps‽ surely your list of grievances against english must be longer than that!} i myself am somewhat surprised to be placated by so short a list, but i am pleased with the simplicity of my plan; 'tis so efficient!
Nephi said, {Behold, Isaiah said, {Thus said the LORD to me: {Isaiah, say unto this people, {Thus said the LORD: {If you don't repent....}}}}}
[NOTE: my original idea was to use carrots instead of curvy brackets. Some languages do that already, and carrots would be a lot simpler than curvy brackets when it came down to writing by hand, but carrots are used in html, so blogger gets all confused when I use that many of them in close proximity like that. Sorry.]
See? Because they are so directional, no confusion is possible. The reason we have felt obligated to have two different kinds of quotation marks (the double and single apostrophe) is that we know that, if we only had one, no one would be able to determine in a glance whether a quotation was ending or beginning to quote something else:
Nephi said, "Behold, Isaiah said, "Thus said the LORD to me: "Isaiah, say unto this people, "Thus said the LORD: "If you don't repent...."""""
I mean, contextually that makes sense, I suppose, but carrots are easier to track.
So, yeah. There you go. Other than to say that I am, as ever, in favor of the interrobang, I think that pretty well covers my thoughts on punctuation reform.
Step Two: eliminate letter cases. Really, why do we need upper and lower case letters? Is not an a as good as an A? And a t as good as a T? I really see no reason to have two cases. it would be a lot simpler to go e e cummings style and leave everything in the lowercase, methinks. I've always thought it was odd that we have two distinct alphabets without having one do anything that the other can't, but the more I think about our rules regarding capitalization, the fewer reasons I can think of to support it. For example, why do we capitalize I but not me? Or other subject pronouns like he and she? Capitalization in titles makes even less sense. Newspapers generally capitalize only the first letter in a headline, but everyone else is expected to capitalize all nouns and verbs. This creates a real problem because many simpletons (meaning most English speaking Americans) understand the rule to be "Capitalize the 'big' words," so they capitalize Because but not is. Let's just save ourselves some pain and wipe out all capital letters. THEY SERVE NO PURPOSE! (I could have, for example, simply italicized that declaration).
Step Three: eliminate gender-specific pronouns. Seriously, nothing else in our language is gender specific, why do we need he/she and him/her and his/her (and why is "her" double worked?). Let's just make everything "it." Now, I'm sure some people would be seriously offended to be referred to that way, but I doubt any of those people are hoping for gender specific "you"s and "I"s. It will suffice. This will greatly reduce pronoun disagreement; because no one likes saying or writing awkward things like, "Each speaker at the convention was in the top of his or her field," many people revert to using plural pronouns when single pronouns are required ("Each speaker at the convention was in the top of their field").
i think i've covered it. some of you may be thinking,
Post 42
Today, a salute to Pringles. I just sent them an email using the "contact us" link on their website; this is what it said:
*
I don't have a question, per se. I just wanted to email you a thank you. I was grocery shopping recently and notice Pringles with 50% less fat and 30% fewer calories. I'm not especially interested in health food, but I was happy to see a corporation that understands the difference between "less" and "fewer." I was very sad as I left that grocery store to learn that their express checkout lane was for customers with "20 items or less."
Thank you for using good English; it means a lot to me.
*
Go Pringles! You're an inspiration to us all!
*
I don't have a question, per se. I just wanted to email you a thank you. I was grocery shopping recently and notice Pringles with 50% less fat and 30% fewer calories. I'm not especially interested in health food, but I was happy to see a corporation that understands the difference between "less" and "fewer." I was very sad as I left that grocery store to learn that their express checkout lane was for customers with "20 items or less."
Thank you for using good English; it means a lot to me.
*
Go Pringles! You're an inspiration to us all!
Post 41
Things I do not recommend:
-Lighting a beanie on fire when it's drenched in 90% ethyl alcohol and sitting on your head
-Taking a nap on a metal park bench at one in the morning when it's 40F outside
-Telling a class of 6th-graders on November 1st that eating candy in class is okay
-Having ambiguous pronouns when making jokes about a girl's saxophone
-Reading 1984 quickly
Things I do recommend:
-Argyle socks
I may not be a student, but living in a college town has taught me a lot, it seems....
-Lighting a beanie on fire when it's drenched in 90% ethyl alcohol and sitting on your head
-Taking a nap on a metal park bench at one in the morning when it's 40F outside
-Telling a class of 6th-graders on November 1st that eating candy in class is okay
-Having ambiguous pronouns when making jokes about a girl's saxophone
-Reading 1984 quickly
Things I do recommend:
-Argyle socks
I may not be a student, but living in a college town has taught me a lot, it seems....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)