Post 71

So. Since I watched Charade a few weeks ago (see Post 52) and various other older movies, I have often felt to mourn the virtual demise of clever dialog in favor of funny one-liners and wondered whether I am capable of writing witty dialog.

Last night, I made an attempt--somewhat poorly, methinks. See, I had all these clever exchanges rattling around in my head, and I had an interesting situational set up, but I really didn't have much in the way of characters or plot, so as I reread it today, it struck me as--well, I think it's funny, of course, but it feels like, "Hey, here's a bunch of funny exchanges thrown together in such a way that they appear to vaguely interrelate, but there really isn't much in the way of plot or characters."

Anyway, here it is. It isn't long, so feel free to read it and tell me how much you love or hate it:

Blind Date

Schmetterling

HYPERGIRL standing in front of western-themed restaurant, talking hyperly on cellphone. SNOBBOY walks up. HYPERGIRL hyperly says goodbye to whoever she’s talking to.

SNOBBOY:

Are you Joel’s friend?

HYPERGIRL:

Yes! Are you my date?

SNOBBOY:

It’s a great misfortune that such appears to be the case. Shall we go in and get this over with?

HYPERGIRL:

Somebody’s gum-py!

They enter and seat themselves. WAITER, dressed in western attire, comes sauntering over.

WAITER:

(entirely unenthusiastically)

Howdy, y’all. Welcome to Big Bubba’s Barbeque—best ribs this side of the Alamo. Today’s special is—

SNOBBOY grabs WAITER by the bandanna around his neck and pulls him down to eyelevel.

SNOBBOY:

Do you know what “tip” means?

WAITER stammers in wide-eyed panic.

SNOBBOY:

It was originally an acronym—To Insure Promptness. Tip money used to be given before the meal was served to guarantee the utmost efficiency was employed in the conveyance of foodstuffs to the table. I want this little dinner date to be as brief as possible.

(shoving a $100 bill into the front pocket of the WAITER’s overalls)

Here is a portrait of my favorite Deist—just to insure promptness. I will further reward you if you impress me.

(gruffly releasing WAITER)

Now go.

The WAITER runs off. During the following exchange, he returns with menus, drops them on the table as he runs past and off again, returns with glasses and similarly drops them as he runs past and off, then returns with two plastic pitchers and simultaneously fills the two glasses, throws the pitchers off, pulls out a pad and pen, and stands, panting, waiting for the couple to order.

HYPERGIRL:

Early bird.

SNOBBOY:

What?

HYPERGIRL:

Early bird. Ya know, early bird catches the worm?

SNOBBOY:

(brief pause)

Although that cliché has absolutely no relevance to the current situation, I feel inclined to point out that, while the early bird may indeed catch the worm, it is the second mouse that gets the cheese, and the third time that gets the proverbial charm, so despite the fact that the entrustment of my social life to our mutual friend Joel has led to what is obviously a social faux pas, perhaps there is yet hope for me in my romantic endeavors. Now hurry up an order; the waiter is getting anxious.

SNOBBOY holds up another $100 bill, which the WAITER takes and puts in his front pocket.

PAN TO:

HYPERBOY and SNOBGIRL sitting at a table.

SNOBGIRL:

I can’t believe Joel set me up with a Philistine like you.

HYPERBOY:

Philistine! Aha! Aha! I like you; you’re funny. We’ll be great friends.

SNOBGIRL:

I call every uncultured swine I encounter a Philistine; don’t let it go to your head.

HYPERBOY:

Uncultured swine! Too-shay! I know; how about the first person to get called “Philistine” again pays for dinner.

SNOBGIRL:

This isn’t a game, Philistine.

HYPERBOY:

Okay, you win; I’ll pay for dinner. You’re so clever! Let’s play to ten!

SNOBGIRL:

I’m going to kill Joel for this. Where is that waiter?

HYPERBOY:

(playfully)

I doubt Joel knows where the waiter is, you—Philistine!

PAN TO:

HYPERGIRL and SNOBBOY. They have their meals, and the WAITER is hovering over their table like a hungry vulture. HYPERGIRL is chattering away to the inattentive SNOBBOY, who is eating as quickly as she is talking.

HYPERGIRL:

I told Sally that color was way more important than reliability—I mean, who wants a car that runs good if it doesn’t look good, ya know?

(pause)

You should slow down; you might choke.

SNOBBOY:

And what a merciful escape that would be! Look, I’m done eating, so if it’s all the same to you, I’m going to pay the bill, tip the WAITER, and go home, and you can deliver the remainder of that driveling monologue to this beautifully deaf and vacant chair.

HYPERGIRL:

Aww, but I feel like we were just starting to get to know each other!

SNOBBOY:

My point exactly.

HYPERGIRL:

But what if I want dessert?

SNOBBOY sighs and snaps his fingers. The WAITER dashes off and comes back rolling a cart covered in desserts. HYPERGIRL looks them over thoughtfully, then takes one.

HYPERGIRL:

Aren’t you going to have some?

SNOBBOY:

(lying)

I am diabetic!

WAITER:

The pumpkin pie is sugar free.

SNOBBOY gives a withering look to the WAITER, who recoils, and then SNOBBOY angrily grabs a slice of pumpkin pie off of the cart and starts eating it.

PAN TO:

HYPERBOY and SNOBGIRL.

SNOBGIRL:

Where is that waiter?

HYPERBOY:

I find it so funny that we’re wait-ing for the wait-er. Don’t you find that funny?

SNOBGIRL:

Hilarious.

HYPERBOY:

What? Aren’t you going to call me a Philistine?

SNOBGIRL stands up.

HYPERBOY:

Leaving so soon?

SNOBGIRL:

I’m going to the bathroom—to gag myself.

HYPERBOY:

You don’t mean that.

She grabs a spoon, holds it threateningly in his face, and then leaves.

PAN TO:

HYPERGIRL and SNOBBOY. SNOBBOY is pounding his forehead onto what remains of his pie, while HYPERGIRL chatters away.

HYPERGIRL:

I thought that just seemed so unfair; she was totally blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I mean, what would you do if you were me?

SNOBBOY:

Take myself out of the gene pool.

HYPERGIRL:

Did you know that you have pumpkin in your hair? You should, like, go to the bathroom to wash your face.

SNOBBOY:

(sitting up excitedly)

Yes! Bathroom! That’s brilliant! You’re brill—no, that certainly isn’t true, but the bathroom—ah, the bathroom. Please excuse me.

He gets up and leaves. CELLPHONE RINGING. HYPERGIRL digs her cellphone out of her purse and answers it.

HYPERGIRL:

Hello? Oh, hi Jill. Yeah, I’m on a blind date right now with this guy.

(whispering)

He’s really weird!

CUT TO:

Bathrooms.

SNOBGIRL is leaning against the wall with her forehead. SNOBBOY walks up. SNOBGIRL starts gently pounding her head against the wall. SNOBBOY pauses briefly to observe her.

SNOBBOY:

You can say that again.

SNOBGIRL rotates her head, continuing to lean it against the wall, to look at SNOBBOY.

SNOBBGIRL:

Excuse me?

SNOBBOY:

Oh! It’s just that I’m on a blind date with this girl who is—well, frankly, I’d rather mash my face into sugar-free pumpkin pie than talk to her, as you may have deduced from my appearance.

SNOBBGIRL:

She would get along well with my date.

SNOBBOY:

Oh? Perhaps we could trade.

SNOBBGIRL:

(smiling slightly)

Philistine.

SNOBBOY:

(quickly)

Plebeian.

SNOBBGIRL walks over to SNOBBOY and looks him in the face.

SNOBBGIRL:

Peasant.

SNOBBOY:

(quickly)

Scallywag.

SNOBBGIRL:

Uncultured swine!

SNOBBOY:

(smiling)

Ignoble bovine.

SNOBBGIRL:

Sesquipedalian pedant.

SNOBBOY:

(laughing)

Repetitive dilettante.

SNOBGIRL:

(getting playfully frustrated, grasping for words)

Psychotic—neurotic—megalomaniac!

SNOBBOY:

(condescendingly)

Vanquished halberdier.

SNOBGIRL:

(throwing her arms around him)

Take me home.

SNOBBOY:

Take a cab.

SNOBGIRL:

(backing up)

Take a hike!

SNOBBOY:

(tipping an imaginary hat)

I’ll take my leave.

SNOBGIRL:

(stepping closer)

Take me with you!

SNOBBOY:

(smiling, rolling his eyes)

Gimme a break.

SNOBGIRL:

Gimme a try.

SNOBBOY:

(moving in, putting his arms around her)

Give me a hug.

SNOBGIRL:

(seductively going for a bite of pumpkin)

Give me a taste.

SNOBBOY:

(recoiling a bit)

Give me some time.

SNOBGIRL:

Give me a chance!

SNOBBOY:

(trying not to laugh)

Give me—a—give me—a—uh—

SNOBGIRL moves in for the kiss. Suddenly, HYPERBOY comes around the corner and sees the two of them. He’s shocked.

HYPERBOY:

(sputtering)

This is what—this is how you—is this what you—You Philistine!

-end-

So. There it is. I don't know whether you caught it, but the situation is that this Joel fellow (who never appears in person) had four friends that he decided to set up on blind dates--a snobbish man and a snobbish woman that he thought would do well together, and a hyper man and a hyper woman that he thought would also do well together. Unfortunately for all involved, Joel set the two dates up for the same place at the same time, so the couples got mixed. I don't know whether that was made sufficiently clear, but that information is there either implicitly or explicitly if you really really pay attention, but this isn't the sort of story that people pay that sort of attention to, methinks.

Alright, well, I've used "methinks" twice in this post; that's a sign that it's time for me to stop typing now, methinks.